by Jillian Bogater (Exile From Hysteria)
I’m entering week five of recovery feeling a bit beat up.
The high-energy enthusiasm that carried me much of my journey (both pre- and post-op) has abandoned me.
I’ve been fighting some form of depression that has left me uninspired and mentally exhausted. And the pain in my lower right back has returned, with gusto.
Overall I have made great strides. My abdominal incision from the hysterectomy has closed beautifully, and I’ve built up my strength to the point I’m now able to walk respectable distances.
Still, something feels out of whack.
It could be as simple as missing my morning lithium dose a couple times last week. It could be that my constant companion/boyfriend has returned to work. It could be that all my lady parts are missing.
I made an appointment to see my psychiatrist next week, so I’ll let him chime in on the situation.
It appears I have a case of the post-op blues. This has to be common. So much change. Such a huge buildup. Then nothing.
I struggle with the fact the date came and went for my scheduled period.
My heart races when I watch a storyline about a woman getting pregnant, then it plummets to my stomach when I realize I’ll never feel a baby inside me.
The sadness at times is intense, and haunting.
I get nervous about any emotional changes because I am bipolar. I have known about this diagnosis since I was 26, and work very hard to keep my emotions in check. I like to brag that my psychiatrist calls me “highly functional.” So anytime things feel askew, my anxiety level rises a bit.
As easily as these emotions wash over me, I know they will fade. I’ve got to give myself some time. And no matter what, I need to keep moving.