Exile From Hysteria

When a hysterectomy is not the ending, but a beginning.

Month: April, 2013

Post-op blues

I’m entering week five of recovery feeling a bit beat up.

The high-energy enthusiasm that carried me much of my journey (both pre- and post-op) has abandoned me.

I’ve been fighting some form of depression that has left me uninspired and mentally exhausted. And the pain in my lower right back has returned, with gusto.

Overall I have made great strides. My abdominal incision from the hysterectomy has closed beautifully, and I’ve built up my strength to the point I’m now able to walk respectable distances.

Still, something feels out of whack.

It could be as simple as missing my morning lithium dose a couple times last week. It could be that my constant companion/boyfriend has returned to work. It could be that all my lady parts are missing.

I made an appointment to see my psychiatrist next week, so I’ll let him chime in on the situation.

It appears I have a case of the post-op blues. This has to be common. So much change. Such a huge buildup. Then nothing.


I struggle with the fact the date came and went for my scheduled period.

My heart races when I watch a storyline about a woman getting pregnant, then it plummets to my stomach when I realize I’ll never feel a baby inside me.

The sadness at times is intense, and haunting.

I get nervous about any emotional changes because I am bipolar. I have known about this diagnosis since I was 26, and work very hard to keep my emotions in check. I like to brag that my psychiatrist calls me “highly functional.” So anytime things feel askew, my anxiety level rises a bit.

As easily as these emotions wash over me, I know they will fade. I’ve got to give myself some time. And no matter what, I need to keep moving.

Baby steps

Wearing jeans never felt so good.

After spending almost three weeks in nightgowns and sweatpants, I have managed to squeeze into my jeans.

By the end of the day, I slowly unzip them, to give room to my swollen belly. From my research, “swelly belly” is common in the evening hours after a hysterectomy.

Each day I measure my success in baby steps.

Now that the doctor gave me permission to increase my walking, Matt and I have decided to go on one field trip a day. It’s about all I can handle, and it helps to do it early in the day. Usually these trips are simple, such as going to the local grocery store to pick up a couple items for dinner.

Yesterday I broke through to a new accomplishment. I walked the entire distance of Costco without getting dizzy.

I had found myself getting woozy anytime I walked further than from the recliner to the loo. But  not yesterday. I made it from the entrance to exit, just as focused as when I arrived.

Unfortunately, I am now paying for my bravado.

Last night I noticed a burning/pulling pain in my groin. By the time I woke up this morning, the pain was still there. My mind went berzerk. Is it recurred endometriosis? A blood clot? A hernia? After a panicked call to my surgeon’s nurse, she told me I pulled an abdominal muscle.

So for now, I’m grounded. No more stairs, and I’m taking it easy. With all this walking stuff, I had gotten cocky. Today I had planned a full day, including a trip to Kinkos, Costco, Kohl’s and Petco. What was I thinking??? Instead I will stay in my jammies and watch some bad TV.

Anyway, I want to rest up. Tomorrow we are adopting a cat. Her name is Cora, and she has 25 toes.